Yeah, you guessed it. I am a Yankees fan. That means that I am accustomed to winning. Actually, it means a whole lot more than that.
Being accustomed to winning means that you cannot tell me to root for the underdog simply because it is an underdog. I root for the Goliaths – the biggest and best. I root for the most dominating teams that not only beat your team but demoralizes it year after year.
I believe that dynasties make sports entertaining, and if you are honest with yourself, you believe it too. Nothing makes a matchup of perennial cellar dwellers appealing (sorry NFC West, Sun Belt Conference, and the entire National League… no one wants to see a pitcher hit… seriously.).
I am the sports fan who actually LIKES blowout victories. There is nothing wrong with running up the score. If a team does not air it out in the 4th quarter up by three scores then I do not have faith in its passing game. Great teams should not apologize for their skills. I believe that deep down inside of everyone there is a vicious competitor – a cruel Machiavellian – wanting to break free. Why else would we name sports teams after the biggest and most aggressive elements of society?
I am the fan who thinks salary caps are communist. Caps communicate that everyone is “equal” and we should not recognize the value of the individual. That is total Bolshevik, comrade! A few elite players may carry their respective sports (e.g. Peyton Manning and Kobe Bryant), but I have never seen NBA Commissioner Stern or NFL Commissioner Goodell hand out a bonus check for boosting ratings and bringing in huge revenues.
Instead of a salary cap I believe every sport should have a minimum team salary… every sport except soccer. I believe soccer teams should have to pay fans to watch that abomination of a sport. I know some of you are already saying, “But Babe Ruthless, most of the world loves soccer!!!” No it does not. Asia boasts the biggest populations in the world and guess what they are into… baseball (e.g. China, Japan, and Taiwan) and mixed martial arts (MMA). Now that is what I call taste.
I also love over the top celebrations. I like fist pumps after big strikeouts, rim swinging after monster dunks, and premeditated touchdown celebrations. If a 300-pound defensive lineman returns an interception 40 yards for a pick six, then I think he has more than earned the right to take off his helmet, use a hidden cell phone to call his mom, and then perform a choreographed dance involving his entire team. Celebrations make sports even better. Without excessive showmanship, Hulk Hogan was just a dude in tights pretending to fight another dude.
Some people may say the principles I believe are examples of poor sportsmanship, asking, “What are you teaching the children?” I say it is poor sportsmanship to even take the field if a team cannot honestly compete. I am teaching children that in the real world there are winners and losers – not like that science fair where every kid gets a medal… including the kid who glued macaroni to cardboard and then ate it.
Sports are one of the last bastions of meritorious reward. Sports recognize the accomplishments of the fastest, the strongest, the smartest, and the best. It is Social Darwinism at its finest. The strong survive and the weak fade away (you know, like the Charlotte Hornets, the Houston Oilers, and the Washington Nationals… wait, sorry about that last one. No on second thought, just give it time.).
I am the fan that knows life is not fair, and neither are sports. I am the voice of brutal honesty. I am that not-so-subtle reminder that real champions are not a bunch of ragtag, loveable losers that come from behind in the end. I am the voice of ruthless aggression. Vote with me if you like to win. I plan on doing a lot of that.
Babe Ruthless’ Record is: Court Room: 15-20, King of the Hill: 15-16